2004-03-05T13:09:00.000-08:00

What I REALLY want to do is get away. My thoughts, my friends, my family-my life. Of whats expected of me, of what I should do, of what is right or wrong...

Travel.
Yes. I want to travel. Hiking, bungee jumping, cruising, flying... with no worries, just pure bliss.

Hmm.

Get me away. Escape. I want to ESCAPE.

2004-03-05T10:34:00.000-08:00

Grab my helmet, slam the door shut behind.
(Shutting doors. If only it were that easy. A click of a button, a turn of a key. Shut.)

Been building up inside; the anger, the confusion, the pain, the loneliness…

Cry and let it out? A stubborn, ignorant, wise ass like me?

Curse as the bike won’t start. Scream (silently of course-don’t wake the neighbors) obscenities into the night, kick out, throw away my helmet.
Start walking. Don’t look back. Dig my hands deeper into my pockets, gaze down at the road …don’t-look-back.

(But it doesn’t matter. Memories, voices, images; bits and pieces of a puzzle you wanted to lose, crawl out of the murky water and loom closer and closer … closer … closer...)
Stop; shiver, look around. No clouds up there, no stars either-a wide expanse of black space, empty, dark.
Tighten my jacket around me, zip it up- can’t stop trembling: cold, so cold, sweat-icy beads of sweat trickle into my eyes.
Blink, blink again, shut them tight.
(Won’t help. The white walls I’ve built around myself for so long are cracking … thick dark red-so dark its almost black-blood streams down the walls. Scream? Why bother.)

Eyes fly open. Shaking hands reach up to my face.
Tears.
(The dam bursts; I fall as the flood crashes over me. Not bloody waves, but blue, enormous blue waves crested high; higher, higher …)
Fall onto the road, on my knees. Sobs wrack my body and I weep.

Scribbles on the China Wall